Thu, Jul
2
2009
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
Written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman
Directed by Michael Bay
“My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did it with honour!”
-Perhaps the ONLY genuinely funny line in a film full of moronic “comedy”…
I’m puzzled. Why, exactly, have SO MANY people trampled over each other in order to get to the cinema and watch this smoking pile of excrement?
I can’t be for the acting - there is barely any on offer. There are soldiers barking orders and shooting…when they’re not hanging around, at ease, waiting to cause explosions…or run from explosions…or react to explosions. There are cliche college geeks, computer nerds, fratbois, and slutty girls…all from the by-the-numbers Big Book of Cut-Out Characters. There are annoying parents, annoying politicians, annoying conspiracy theorists…even the robots are annoying (they managed the impossible and made Megatron even MORE bland & uninteresting)…or simply cyphers (most of the Autobots)…or morons (the double-act of IDIOT fast-talking Autobots). Shia LaBeouf spends the entire movie running and finding new ways of looking pained (the audience can sympathize). Meanwhile, the less said about Meagan Fox, the better…
As I said…no one’s coming to this film for the acting. I’d mention the comedy at this point…if there was anything in this movie that qualified as comedy. Toilet fun with tasers doesn’t count.
They can’t be rushing the cinema for the action - quite frankly, it’s the most boring, uninvolving action ever committed to film. Nothing we see here hasn’t been done before, and done MUCH better…mostly (and I do appreciate the irony) by Michael Bay himself, in previous films. Especially that last one he did…you know the one…with the giant robots, and the boy who was best friends with his car…
In fact, the entire movie is one long, unending action sequence…either dull and pointless, or pointless in general. The moments of supposed “acting” in this film are simply to kill time between interminable (and uninteresting) explosions. Whatever humanity was brought to the first film by Steven Spielberg’s influence has obviously run away SCREAMING from the studio…no doubt worried about protecting its integrity!
No one could POSSIBLY be coming to see the robots. With one exception, they’re all hopeless uninspired and unremarkable. Some of them are even unrecognizable (are you trying to tell me THAT Lego-mutant-nightmare was supposed to be Devastator???)…while others are so ridiculously conceived that you can’t even take them seriously. Come on…The Fallen? With his metallic beard and evil-villain-with-moustache-voice? There are Cabbage Patch Kids that are scarier and more disturbing.
No…Transformers-Revenge of the Fallen, unlike the flawed but enjoyable first film, is one long, mindless series of numb, uninspired explosions and half-baked adolescent fantasies…combining to produce nothing more ambitious than a toy commercial. The audience with whom I viewed this film seemed about as bored and listless as the movie they were watching…all of us counting down the minutes to the end of this overlong assault on our combined intelligence. Who on EARTH could find this sophomoric, pedantic mess in any way enjoyable? For god’s sake…save your money and go watch Star Trek again…or even Terminator Salvation. Yes, you heard that right! It must be a sign the the planet is about to fall into the gaping maw of hell…
1
It avoids a ZERO for one reason and one reason only: Optimus Prime. He’s the only reason to watch this film. Unfortunately, his supreme magnificence isn’t enough to save it single-handedly. If anything, he’s probably ashamed to actually BE in this flimsy excuse for an adventure. Quite an achievement…considering that he isn’t even REAL! 
Who am I?
Why am I Here?
Yes, I'm a giant robot of destruction. I have a huge brain, sarcastic software, and small people flee in terror when they see me.
In another reality, I'm also a teacher. That tends to balance things out nicely.